Gut wrencher

I am so very sad. My heart is aching, and has been that way since the bomb dropped on Thursday night.

We met up on Friday to chat a bit more, and he said that he needs some time to think through things, that he's not happy right now but he's not sure if ending it is what he wants. So I guess it's kind of like we're on a break ( I HATE Friends for coining that term!!) but it's me that sits here broken hearted, crying every hour on the hour, with a throbbing pit in my stomach that just will not go away.

I've drank too much wine, smoked too many cigarettes (why does something like this make you fall to old vices?) and cried enough tears to drown myself in.

I'm getting too many mixed signals from him...he doesn't feel the same way but he wants to see if he can fix himself. He wants to take time apart, but then tells me to call him if I need to.

I wish I was the type of girl that could say "Fuck him" and walk away without a second thought, but all I can do is sit around hoping that he'll call and say he's made a huge mistake.

All I know is that I am sick of checking my phone every five minutes, I'm sick of looking for his truck when I'm out and about, and sick of looking for his face in every person I walk by.

I want things to be better, the way they were when things were happy and new, in love and shiny and glowy and giddy.

I don't want to feel this way for one second longer.

I want my boy back.