44 minutes

44 minutes...that's all it took for things to change.

I posted yesterday at 8:16...remember? I was all happy and healing and yay-life-is-good?

9:00 am sharp, a name pops up in my inbox that I was sure I would not see. The Ex. dunh-dunh-dunh....

Hi,
How are you? I am really sorry I haven't called in the last little while, I wanted to, but thought it best maybe to give you some time. I miss you a lot and I really hope that we can hang out over the next couple of weeks, even if just to catch up. Maybe go for a beer next week or a coffee or something if your up for it. I understand if your not, just let me know. I have been pretty busy with work and started my course again, so I have been keeping out of trouble for the most part. Let me know what your schedule is like next week when you get a second, Wednesdays are usually pretty good for me.

Let's analyze, shall we?

1) DUDE, do you have some sort of supersonic radar that lets you know the exact moment that I tell the world that I am doing OK?

2) hahahahaha, you caved and contacted me first!!!

3) You thought it best to give ME some time? For what? To heal and start to put you behind me, just so you can come crashing back into my life like a soldier on leave to tell me you miss me?

4) You miss me. Boo fucking hoo. I've missed you every day for 5 weeks, you dumbass, and where were you while my heart was shattered on the bathroom floor?

5) Um, yeah...I am so not ready to see you. It's a toss up as to whether I will karate kick you right where it hurts, or fall crying into your arms. But for some sadistic reason, I want to see you...no, actually, I want YOU to see how good I look with the weight I've lost (this time it's due to the two hour gym visits every day after work) and my new super shiny dark hair and my new jeans that make my ass look fantastic. I also want to hear what it is that you've got to say. And yes, readers, I know that I am an idiot.

6) Thanks ever so much for letting me know that you've been keeping out of trouble. Good for boring old you. I, on the other hand, have not been. I've been drinking, and smoking, and dancing with cute boys, and even talking to some of them the day after! I've even got a crush on someone who is so NOT you, someone who says things that make me feel all swirly, someone who talks about his feelings and is not afraid to tell them to me.

7) Wednesday doesn't work. Neither does Thursday. Or Friday. How 'bout never?

8) I hate how when I saw your name pop up, my stomach dropped to the floor like I had just swallowed a hundred million tiny lead weights. I also hate how after I read it, I had to close my office door because I couldn't hold the tears back a second longer. I hate that you still have that sort of control over me. I hate that I have not stopped caring for you. I hate that you waited to say something until I had actually started making steps away from you, steps towards being happy.

9) I also hate that I have no idea what it is that you want from me. I don't know if you're just looking for a friendship with me, or if you've realized what you lost when you let me go and this is your attempt to get it back.

10) You should just go far, far away and never contact me ever again so that I can pretend you don't exist.

That is all.