Need to know

I think I may have discovered the personality trait that I hate most within myself.

I cannot handle when things are uncertain in my life. I just can't do it.

I can't stand not knowing what is going to happen next with the big issues in my life.
Work, relationships, family.

Which is pretty strange, because in all other aspects, I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type girl. Want to go drinking after work and you're just calling me at 4:25? No problem...I'm your gal. Want to leave tomorrow morning for a weekend road trip? Count me in. Need me to have this project finished by the end of the day and it's only lunch time now? I'm all over it.

But if you're not concise with me as to where my career path is headed, or if you and I are exclusive or not, then I may just lose my mind. I need to have things like this mapped out for me, in plain and simple English. I need to know that in 3 months I'll be working on this, or that yes, I am the only girl in your life and will contineu to be in the foreseeable future.

I don't know if this is an ingrained personality trait that I've had since birth (note to self: talk to mom and figure this shit out) or if it's something that I've developed in defense against getting hurt. Because I have realized in the past year, that as soon as the rosy starburst of something new wears off, and things start to seem comfortable, I need to know your intentions. I am just sick and tired of being let down, and I just don't want to do it again. I need to know, and if I don't, I will drive myself to distraction analyzing every single possibility.

And quite frankly, I can't stand myself when I get like this. My boss must think I am a wingnut pestering him all the time as to what direction everything is headed in, and I know that a few people must think I am certifiably insane in relationship matters (except for the one that really needs to know what I'm wondering, he has no idea of my craziness).

But can one go through life always having to know? Is it healthy? Why can I not let myself go and just coast through things and have faith that what's meant to happen, will happen?

I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one.