A few letters

Dear Mandarin Orange Tree,
Please do not grow oranges with seeds in them. The two months of the year that I get to indulge in your sweet little tiny fruit, I do not want to have to worry about spitting seeds out! There aren’t supposed to be seeds!! Get rid of the frigging seeds! Or I will boycott you and not buy you ever again! Ok, just kidding, I could never do that…but please, not so much with the seeds, m’kay?


Dear Office Mate,
When you leave your office, please take your frigging cell phone with you. Or if that’s too much for you to remember, how about you just turn the ringer volume down? Or even better, turn it to vibrate only. I am getting really sick of having to listen to it ring a million times a day when you’re not there to answer it. I’m getting even more sick of having to listen to it beep every two minutes for half an hour to let you know that Hey! You’ve missed a call!
If you come happen to go to the bathroom and find your cell phone in the toilet? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


Dear Stupid Bitch Who Was Too Lazy This Morning to Brush the Snow From Your SUV,
Seriously. Would it have killed you to take the five minutes to grab your snow brush, walk around your vehicle and take a few cursory sweeps, to ensure that the people driving behind you aren’t driving in whiteout conditions when the snow starts blowing all blizzard-like from your goddamn SUV? To make matters worse, how the hell can you see where you’re going when the only clear spot on your ENTIRE vehicle is the arc that your wipers cleaned off for you? If I was able to actually SEE your vehicle in front of me through the whiteout, rest assured that I would have speared it with my extra snowbrush.


Dear Outfit That I Am Wearing Today,
I don’t like you. You make me feel slobby for some reason. Yes, I am aware that it was I who picked you from the closet today, and yes, it did seem like a good idea at the time. However, a few hours later, I am highly convinced that you are no longer a good choice. I want something more 'me', something a bit more polished. Comfort was of utmost importance at 6:00 this morning, with a foot and a half of fresh snow on the ground, but now? Not so much.


Dear CD of Mixed Christmas Music,
I heart you. I really do. Without you, my day would be a lot worse. Yes, I know, it’s not even December yet, but it’s cold, and snowy, and your wonderful songs are, quite frankly, making me smile. I would like a warm fireplace and some eggnog to accompany you. Speaking of…


Dear Eggnog,
I know that my very first carton of you this season is sitting in my fridge right now, waiting patiently for me to bring you out tomorrow after work. I know how much you are anticipating the addition of spiced rum, and a dash of nutmeg, which will make your creamy goodness all that much better as it slides down my throat. I think I am drooling a wee bit.


Dear Christmas,
Dude! WTF? All of a sudden you’re only like four weeks away! I have not bought one present yet! I haven’t even made my list! Where do you get off sneaking up on poor unsuspecting people who have been too busy to even notice how frigging close you are? How about a little more notice next year, OK?


Dear Weather Forecaster,
I do NOT heart you one bit. When you tell me, with a big doofy grin on your face, that this weekend we will have a HIGH temperature of minus 24 degrees Celsius? It makes me want to karate chop you right in the throat and then hop on the nearest plane to Warmville, Not Here and not return until summer. Honestly. MINUS FREAKING 24 DEGREES??


Dear Puppy Whom I Will Be Dogsitting This Weekend,
I am so very excited to spend 3 whole days with you. You are perhaps the cutest thing that I have seen in a very long while, and I can’t wait to cuddle you and smell your unmistakable puppy breath and squish your adorable little puppy face right next to mine. I am excited for you to terrorize my cat, because it’s been far too long since she’s been put in her place. Also, make sure you come with your camera face on, and be prepared to go home to your mom and dad a little bit flash-blind.


Dear Sushi,
I have not had you all week, but today? That’s all gonna change. You and I have a date, and I will be far too full of your wicked awesome goodness to simply walk away afterwards. I’m planning on rolling myself back to my office. Just so you know.