Sitting, waiting, wishing

My song lyric posting was a bit dramatic, I just felt those exact feelings at that exact moment so up they went. You know…woe is me and all that jazz.

Things have been a bit of a gong show lately. It’s been really tough for me, and there are some days I do not deal with it well at all. I try my hardest, but I’ve never really been involved in a situation such as this. It’s not a case of unrequited love by any means…things are out in the open and we both know how the other feels. There are just extenuating circumstances right now that keep us from being together. Quite frankly, it sucks donkey balls, because I am the one on the shit end of the stick, so to speak. The ball is never in my court…it’s always on his schedule, and it’s finally caused me to snap a little bit inside.

I wrote to him last night and spilled my guts. I love you, I want you, but the way things are right now…that’s not gonna work for me at all. As it sits, you’ve got too much baggage for me to handle, and there’s no room in my budget for my own personal porter. It was really hard to do, as we’d had a really good night…talking about things we were gonna do in the summer, singing songs together, talking about trips…just general lovey dovey crap. I just came to realize afterwards that the way things are right now, things are not ever going to work out. There needs to be some very major changes, changes that I cannot make, changes that can only come from him. If I keep giving him love and everything that comes with it, he’ll just keep floating along, blissfully unaware of the heartache he’s causing me. I’ve expressed my feelings time and time again, and while he says the right things, I think that’s really all he’s doing…saying the right things. Somehow, I can’t help but think that my hurts fall on deaf ears, and that’s not kosher.

It kills me to think that once I step away that I’ll lose him forever, but if that’s what the final result is, then was he really ever worth it? Probably not.
So, for now, I sit and wait to see what comes of this star-crossed love of mine. Actually, wait, I take that back. I’m not going to sit and wait. I’m too good for that. I’m going to go about my life, and if he ever gets his shit together, then we’ll see where I am. Let’s just hope he doesn’t wait too long, because he’ll kick himself in the ass if he lets this one go.