All growed up

I have never been so proud of myself then I am at this time in my life.

I have broken my relationship pattern. It has been just over 6 months since the X and I ended things, and I have not yet been in a relationship with anyone. I normally am one to jump from one serious thing right into the next, and I continue to make all the same mistakes as I never have time to grieve or learn anything new about myself. Nor did I take time to learn the lessons that had been shown to me.

This time, I am doing just that. After a few months of partying and ignoring my feelings in general, I am thinking about what I've learned from our failed relationship. Let's just say that when you realize that things just are not meant to work, it's a lot harder to get over than had it been an actual event to bring it to an end. I won't get into it here.

I've had the chance to get involved with some really great people, but I was strong enough and brave enough to not jump into it this time around. It wouldn't be fair for me to get someone else involved with me when I don't know where my head is at. I need to grieve, learn, and then move on once I get it all figured out. I need to wait until I'm not afraid of someone else hurting me, someone else leaving me.

All of a sudden, I am the one who is scared shitless of commitment. I'm afraid to let someone into my life, into my heart. Before I can find someone who I'll invite in, I need to know who I am.

But I am so glad that I am listening to my heart now. To me, that is the best lesson I have learned.