It's Been Awhile

Time for more letters cuz they make me laugh!

Dear Nose,
I wish you weren't so dry inside. It really hurts to move you at all, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. WTF is your problem? Just be normal and moist and all will be well. Goddddddddd!

Dear Work,
You must be getting a complex by now, but yup, you guess it....you still BITE IT HARD!

Dear Ass,
Please, for the love of god, just shed a few pounds. I'm eating healthier, working out 4 times a week, and still you refuse to work with me. I leave for Cuba in 8 weeks....so get on it, would ya?

Dear Tattoo,
I loev you. I am so glad I finally made the plunge and got you. You're so pretty. You hurt like a mother fucker seeing as how you were right on my hip bone, but the pain was worth it.

Dear Amazing Race 7,
I am so glad you are back on. You are just so much fun to watch. Although, if I ever make it on your show, I don't know how I am going to be able to do it seeing as how I have to take pictures of EVERYTHING. Not so sure that would be the best strategy in a race, know what I'm sayin'?

Dear Pink Gerber Daisy,
You look so cheerful sitting there in your little bud vase on the corner of my desk, amidst the piles of paper I should be attending to instead of a writing love letter to you. I just wanted you to know that you are my favorite flower of all time, and you cheer me up every day. Please don't die soon.

Dear Suitcase,
I wish you would unpack yourself and wash all the dirty clothes that you're storing, because frankly, I don't really feel like it.

Dear Cell Phone,
You suck donkey balls. You always just turn off for no reason, and you are getting old and boring. So I am going to replace you this afternoon. Sorry, it sucks. Too bad.

Dear *NEW* Cell Phone,
I can't wait to get you so I can find out all the cool things that you can do! I will play with you a lot, and you will never leave my side. Until, of course, you get old and start shutting off for no apparent reason. Then your ass is grass. Be forewarned.

Dear Stepper,
I love you. I can get a great sweat on, but becuase of the way you are set up with your cool book holder, I can still read while I workout! Yay for you! And even better, you are starting to make improvements on my posterior...however minor they may be.

Dear Brain,
Will you PLEASE get into work mode so that I can actually get stuff done. I am going to fall even further behind if you keep pissing around on the job!

Dear "Experts",
Now, I know "experts" say that you should drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, but do you know how mcuh that makes me pee? I mean, I feel great on the days that I actually manage to gulp down what feels like 1000 litres of the stuff, but seriously...I am getting sick of peeing ALL. THE. TIME. There has GOT to be a better way of achieving this. You're "experts", right, so why don't ya figure that out for me, m'kay?