Blah, blegh, yuck...

I'm writing in brown today as it reflects the mood I am in...SHITTY!

I hate myself when I am like this. I am normally a very cheery, upbeat, fun person. I don't normally get in these black moods, where everyone that approaches me is at risk of having their heads bit off. But today I am...and it's really from a culmination of events.

My life has been a huge-ass-ball-of-stress for the past month. A break-up, bedlam at work, an argument with one of my best friends that just about killed me, meeting guys, those guys not calling, some of them calling too much. Trying to pay of credit cards, trying to have fun while doing so, trying to just get everything back to normal. It's been stressful to say the least.

I normally deal very well with stress...my job is quite stressful at times, and I deal with it in a very professional manner. My personal schedule is always full, and I manage to deal with that without batting an eyelash. I like to be busy...I thrive on it in fact.

This past week, however, has really taken a toll on me. I have not been sleeping, I have not really been eating, I got really drunk on the weekend in hopes of getting everything off of my mind. This morning, I was so worked up that I made myself sick. Literally...the women at work must all think I am pregnant as I was in the bathroom retching for a good 5 minutes. Great...like I need that bother right now.

So, in an attempt to regain my former happy self, I am pulling myself out for a while. I am not going to let anyone make me do ANYTHING that I don't want to do. I am going to make some time for myself. I am not going to cram my calendar full so that I keep my mind off of everything else. I am going to take this me-time and reflect on everything that has gone wrong in the past month. I am going to deal with it...whether that means grieving, crying, laughing, screaming, running, or just sleeping for hours on end. I am going to do everything I can so that I have no regrets. I am going to call that HBG from the weekend. And if he doesn't call me back...fuck him. At least I won't go the rest of my life wondering - maybe he was waiting for me to call??

I am going to focus on me again, and screw the rest of 'em. Now, before you get all in a huff, you know I don't mean that...just give me a little time & space to crawl over the speed bump of my life. I need it. Badly.

I want to find the happy part of me again. I know it's still in here...just saw the damn thing on Friday.