Inside out, upside down...

Ever felt like your life is like that? Inside out, upside down, all screwed up? Mine is right now...and I'm not too sure how to deal with it.

After nearly 4 years of being in a relationship with the man I love, we have decide to part ways. Unfortunately, we're just at different points in our life right now, and we end up hurting each other more than anything else, and have finally decided to be mature enough to put a stop to it.

The thing, is, I still love him, and he still loves me...which makes things really hard. But, I guess sometimes love just isn't enough. Which came as a real shock to me...I always believed that if you love someone as much as I love him, that everything will work out, no matter what the obstacles. I was wrong.

We've decided to still be good friends, and I know that we will be. If anything, neither one of us wants to let the other person phase out of our lives. You share so many intimate things with a person...it's nice to know that finally I am mature enough to remain friends with an ex. I know that he will be there for me if ever I should need him, day or night. And I will be there for him as well.

It's strange now....we're still living under the same roof, and he told me last week that he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave. We get along fine, he loves the place we're living in (rightfully so!) and he just isn't ready to look for anything new. For now, this works...I find comfort in the fact that he is still around for me, and I for him...it has gotten us in some "precarious" situations so far. You know how it is, right? We'll get past that eventually.

The thing of it is...what happens if he meets someone new? I have already met a few new people, but have decided not to jump into anything...I always do, and this time, I am going to enjoy being single with my girlfriends. For the very first time in my life. The thing that scares me is...how am I going to handle him having someone new in his life? That "someone" was supposed to be me.

Now, I know that sounds like I am not doing well with the whole break-up...but I am. I know, in my heart, that this is for the best. Sure, it hurts, and I have had some rough times with it, but if anything, he needs to get his shit together before he gets involved in ANY sort of relationship again. He knows that. I know that. That doesn't make it any easier when the rough moments hit.

A girlfriend told me that I am not ready to date someone new until I am 100% OK with seeing him with someone else. I don't agree. I still hate hearing from my high school love that he is dating someone new...that's just me. There will always be a place in my heart for him, and for my ex now. And even though I know I should be happy for them, I won't be. Unless this girl is absolutely amazing for them and the best fit ever...no, never mind. It'll still suck. Truth hurts.

Now, for the part about ME getting involved with someone new. Another girlfriend, in the same conversation, told me that I must swear off ALL contact with boys for at least 2 weeks. I am following her orders (almost to a tee...I did talk to boys on Sunday night at the bar) and am doing just that. No phone calls, no dates...just me, myself and my gal pals. This is harder for me than you might think. I am what you might call a "serial realtionshipper". I go from one serious relationship to the next...with a few weeks or a month in between. I've always been that way. I think it's because I am afraid to be alone. I crave company. I love being alone, but at the end of the night, I want to have someone next to me. I guess it's because it's all I've ever known. I'm working on that. I'm getting to know ME for really the first time in my life. I spent the majority of the past 3 days alone...and surprise...I really enjoyed myself. Did a lot of reading, a LOT of thinking...got nothing solved, but hey, these things take time.

That's all for now...I really must get back to work!